!!##@#$@#$!!! December 8, 2006 at 1:31 pm

I am mad and I would have been angry regardless of the actual outcome of today’s weigh-in. It was a lose/lose situation regardless of what the scale says! I’ve been exhibiting binging behavior for the last couple of weeks. My choices for these binges have been all within the program and are generally healthy choices which my dietician has continually re-enforced the behavior indirectly by telling me that I am doing so well! The behavior is not her fault it is something that I need to own and overcome. By most definitions or peoples understanding of a binge, my regressions have been minuscule but none the less are binge related. My psychotic analyst helped me quantify that this morning. I couldn’t put it into words because I was continually getting feedback from both my trainer and my dietician that I wasn’t binging (in the classic sense of eating a crap load of food). My concern has been my motivation behind the “unintentional eating” as I was calling it. I had a good idea as to the trigger, but now I am fairly convinced that I know the general reason behind my actions. If you know me you can ask, but I am not THAT comfortable putting it out there for the entire world to see just yet! It isn’t anything all that uncommon or even unusual and is greatly related to the comfort that food gives people. So I am generally pissed because I “only” lost 3 pounds officially this week. Those three pounds would have been closer to 5 or 6 pounds if the binge of last night hadn’t happened. So I am ticked because I only lost three pounds. On the other hand I am actually pissed that I didn’t GAIN weight this week! (See, I told you it was a little crazy!) The fact that I still am losing weight obscures the problem AND sends me the WRONG reinforcing signals. I am trying to fix these behavioral patterns that I have established! The fact that I have at least substituted healthy foods as opposed to detrimental foods like ice cream or cookies is a HUGE win, but it doesn’t do much to correct the real problem. Very few things are EVER black and white to me.

Whew, that was a mouthful!

If you have read this far I want to assure you that I’ve only tripped and I haven’t fallen. Recognizing the problem is a good start. I don’t fully expect to completely fix a life time of using food as a crutch during the program. I also want to state that the support I get from the program is awesome and I AM thankful for the help that I get in dealing with these issues. I doubt I would have EVEN realized what was happening without the 20/20 Lifestyles Program there to lean on.

Enough of that! So, I am still losing weight even if it could have been more. 😉 (I just can’t resist beating a dead and decaying horse!) Thursday morning I started the day at 243 and ended the day at 252. Yipes!

Tomorrow it is my intention to go skiing! Stevens Pass is the first choice with a backup being Mt. Baker if the conditions aren’t good enough. I’ve never been to Baker and I know that I really like Stevens, so either is cool by me. The actual choice will be made later today.

Other than that, nothing else 20/20 Lifestyles related is going on right now. The rest of the junk in my non-soap opera of a life doesn’t warrant me spending the time writing about it. Only blabbing constantly to all around me that will listen.

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